The loneliness was back and I had been dabbling in various forms of meeting new people from late last year. It was hard to meet men who wanted more than just a few drinks and a casual roll about…. It was hard to meet men who were open about their own situation…… It was even harder to meet men who were even interested in meeting my children.
Add to that a big helping of guilt….it is hard to be a loyal widow, yet acknowledge my own needs, and give myself permission to keep living a holistic life. It was even harder to face those who felt it their right to object to me looking to have a life. Sadly the most judgmental attitudes came from those who I least expected it from. Puzzling even.
For a while I had been keeping a journal of sorts – more just a random collection of thoughts and quotes, undated…
….but had also been writing up some of my more insightful thoughts….and here is a snippet of my thinking from 2002…I read something interesting today… Many single people are very lonely and upon meeting new people often confuse sex and lust for companionship and love. It made me think about me and how I behave…and the behavior of many lonely people online. It sums up a lot of online behavior; an easy trap to fall into with the anonymity of cyber space but it’s not exclusive to online romances either. I need to be sure that my online behavior matches my true self-image and life goals. I have to think about and the reality of my goals in relation to the way I portray myself not just online but in the real world as well. This is an issue I have brushed over in my writing before…. the issue of love versus lust and the issue of using my body (or allowing it to be used) in order to feel protected, special, safe…. etc . But here’s a thought…. isn’t that what we all do to a point? It is interesting for me to look back and see how the patterns of my life are controlled by early experiences.. I think we all want love and lust…. but friendship and all that form a basis for love & lust…rather than lust & sex forming the basis for friendship I asked for a male perspective: – Now you have me thinking about my own situation, my own feelings and motivations… Like I feel a longing for love in my life…love and acceptance…but I often wonder is it more a longing for…. a lust for sex?? I know it’s more than that coz in my last relationship it WASN’T just the sex I craved, it was companionship as well, her company, her support…and my being able to offer those in return… That is how it should be…but in desperation we often get it all mixed up A wise man (whose comment I refer to often) once told me that men offer love to get sex…and women offer sex to get love…but I think sometimes it is round the other way also. I have never thought of it being the other way…more so in todays world than ever before I think he told me that when I was 16… so times may have changed a bit. Think the basic principle is the same… Sometime later in the week there was a talk back on a radio show about peoples difficulty in committing to relationships. People are choosing not to commit to marriages or even de facto relationships but preferring to keep their own space and independence. It appears to be more than just a fear of the commitment but a hanging on to the kiwi attitude of “can do” that has become “don’t NEED you” or ‘I can do it alone”. People still want a dedicated & devoted partner…. but with distance. They still want to feel loved and cherished…. but not too tight, and not at the expense of independence. How does this fit with my thoughts on loneliness and lust? Are we becoming a society of people who chose to live alone and just use each other to fulfill temporary needs of company, sex, social images etc? Is this how society is designed to work? Historically the societal structure was familial, supportive, belonging, communal and interdependent. Now we are disjointed from our families & communities for the egocentric purpose of proving we don’t need them. Yet we do. I think. Is this a contributing factor to why many single people who are often very lonely often confuse sex and lust for companionship and love when they meet new people? Do we realize how lonely and isolating it is to be independent? I have always seen my independence as a virtue but now I question its value, is it more of a vice? I know that I want to be cherished ant treated as a special person, and to have someone in my life that means the world to me. I want company companionship and support…I want to be able to give the same in return. I don’t think that this can be achieved while still maintaining my “I am woman, I am invincible” type demeanor. I don’t think I have to become a pathetic dependant miserable doormat either. There must be a balance of self & other & us. What thought and action processes need to occur before this change takes place in my life? How do I allow my protective amour of independence to be lowered and to be replaced by the security that interdependence brings? Then there is the risk of co dependency… the feminist no- no. I need to be open, embracing and alert all at the same time… and I need to be me. I am all I really have to offer anyone, and if I portray a false me then I am offering nothing of true worth.
Don’t get me wrong though….this was a good year…wined, dined, vacationed, cinema’d, pampered and all….. but there needed to be more.
During 2002 I met Gaz who has become a good friend….
…and it was at the end of 2002 that I met Rob and things got interesting.