How quickly the year has passed since I attained my half century. I recall how slowly the time dragged between birthdays as a child and now its wooosh….here it is again. The speed at which life passes by and the cycles contained within have never been more pronounced that in the last 12 months.
I really thought that once I grew up that life would get easier…that I would have it together…that my self doubt would be gone…but, no….all of that remains. At 51 I am still the insecure little girl in the big kids playground, doubting my abilities and fearful of the hidden agendas of others. Still have that feeling that I just don’t belong…but maybe that’s just me.
Here are my thoughts from my 51st year.
- I have experienced some of the lowest lows in my personal journey that have shaken my confidence and self esteem – I have survived them.
- I have attained career satisfaction in a role that I love, helping people and being recognized appropriately. This includes travel, dining, autonomy and learning.
- Every time I see my precious grandbabies I am thankful of the amazing medical teams that got them through their precarious start to life – they are nearly four now.
- World events have torn open the shrouds of some dark events from my childhood that shaped my life and thinking . These world events have allowed the tough conversations to be had and the healing of relationships. Revenge no longer fills my mind and peace is in my heart, but scars remain on my soul.
- Home life has had its upheavals and is now settled and stable with us again in the position to think forward with a purpose.
- Happiness is what you make of life…not what life makes of you!! Getting out, meeting people, going places and trying new things…that creates happiness. Sitting in front of techno screens does not…it has its place, but its not living.
The things I think about, worry about, want or need matter. If it is important to me, it matters….I need to use my voice to be heard, the people around me are not mind readers.
My health matters and it is my responsibility and mine alone to look after me in the best possible way. I have started exercising. I want to run, I want to dance, I want to do cartwheels. OK the cartwheels might not happen.
So what of the plans for the next year. I have things in my future to look forward to-
- Riki is coming for an extended holiday.
- Rob and I are planning a mini vacation or two throughout the year.
- I have tickets to go and see Rod Stewart.
- I plan to undertake formal study.
It wont always be easy and it certainly wont be a smooth journey but I will have fun along the way and I will weather the storms.What I do have is the knowledge that this too shall pass as surely as surely as spring follows winter The cycles of life will continue to revolve with all their ups and downs, trials and tribulations Still haunted by a breach of trust, I hold myself apart and loneliness surrounds me like a friend For only I know who I am, the keeper of my secrets the horrors that invade my mind and traumatize my soul Joy and happiness, topped with love and laughter shall balance the scales and a peace will return As the cycles of life go on….